Musings on creativity from Yorkshire's Gangliest Diabetic Buddhist Theatre Director

Category: Theatre


Grayscale Photography of the Kelpies

Hannah is stood by some railings, looking over. SR is a ramp leading down towards the audience. She is sobbing gently. Sound of gentle water lapping.  

Harry walks past, swinging from a can. 

Notices Hannah.

HARRY            (Loud) Hey there, lovely lady! Why the tears?

Hannah wafts him away. 

HARRY            (Quieter.) Hey, no, seriously, babe. Why the crying? 

She turns away.

He sidles up and nudges her.

HARRY            Come on love? What’s up?

She looks down.

HARRY            I come here sometimes. When I need to get away from it all. Have a bit of a think. Not very often, obviously, cus thinking’s hard. I’m more of doer than a thinker! A lover not a fighter. But, yeah, it’s good down here. Watch the old Thames lapping up. And lapping down.

She looks up.

And sometimes (He throws the can over) it can take my troubles away with it.

Points after the can.

                        Bob. Bob. Bob. And now it’s gone.


                        What would be your problem, love? What do you want to throw away?

HANNAH         My boyfriend. He – Starts sobbing.

HARRY            Hey, hey, it’s alright.

HANNAH         No it’s not.

HARRY            Well, then, let’s make it alright. You got anything of his?

She rummages in her purse. Takes out a key ring with a fabric horse on it.

HANNAH         He gave me this.

HARRY            Well then. This is him. (Takes the keys off and hands them back to her.) This is him and all his shitty, not okay, behaviour. What do you want to say to him?

HANNAH         I want to say. . .

HARRY            Go on.

HANNAH         Fuck off Gary!

HARRY            Go on.

HANNAH         You’re a stupid twat, Garry, I can’t believe you’d go with her and I wish you’d fuck off and die.

HARRY            Yeah, that’s it!

HANNAH         And you were rubbish in bed, you’ve got a tiny cock and pimples on your arse and I fucking hate you Garry Spence!

HARRY            Yeah, alright, that’s done it. Now throw it away.

HANNAH grabs it from him and chucks it into the water. They both watch it bob away. She seems lighter.


HARRY            I know a story about a horse. (She looks at him. Pause.) N’ah it’s silly

HANNAH         Aww, go on.

HARRY            N’ah, you wouldn’t like it. It’s one of them fairy stories. Kid’s stuff.

HANNAH         Tell me.

HARRY            N’ah.

HANNAH         Pleeease.

HARRY            Alright, well in olden times, there was this magical horse, right?

HANNAH         Like a unicorn?

HARRY            Like a unicorn. But less horny.

HANNAH         Right.

HARRY            It’s this beautiful horse right. Fit and lively. And women, when they see the horse, they just can’t help themselves, they just want to get their leg over it.

HANNAH giggles.

HARRY            It’s not funny! They take one look at this horse with it’s flowing – what they call it? Yeah, mane – it’s got this flowing mane (Tosses his head) and these women see it and they just want to go for a ride.

HANNAH         Yeah?

HARRY            Look, I’ll show you. Bends slightly. Get on!

HANNAH         What?

HARRY            Hop on, I’ll show you! Piggy back! Well, horsey back!

HANNAH         You’re mad, you!

HARRY            Come on, let’s go for a ride.


HANNAH         Alright!

She jumps on.

HARRY            And then this horse goes for a ride, right! And it’s the most amazing ride these women have ever had. I mean this horse can keep it going for hours (running round the stage.) Up and down, up and down, it’s got stamina. (He jolts her up and down. She squeals.) And they fucking love it! Time of their lives! And the horse keeps on going until, eventually – (he stops at the top of the ramp.)

HANNAH         Yeah?

HARRY            Yeah what?

HANNAH         What happens then?

HARRY            When?

She play slaps him.

HANNAH         Once they’ve gone for this looong ride. Then what happens?

HARRY            What do you think happens?

HANNAH         Well, if this horse is like any boys I know after he’s had his ride he dumps them of his back and runs off.

HARRY            Oh no! Not this horse!

HANNAH         No?

HARRY            Oh no! He sticks with them, the women who ride him, till the ends of their lives!

HANNAH         Aww!

HARRY            He takes them to a river. And they look out at it.

HANNAH         Awww!

He starts to walk down the ramp.

HANNAH         Then what happens?

HARRY            Hey?

HANNAH         What happens when he gets to the river?

HARRY            Oh! Then –

He is nearing the bottom of the ramp.

HANNAH         (Squealing with delight.) Look, out you nutter! You’re getting your shoes all wet!

HARRY            Then – he goes right up to the river.

HANNAH         (Laughing!) Careful! Don’t slip!

HARRY            Then he takes them right down to the water’s edge.

HANNAH         You’re crazy you!

HARRY            And then he jumps in. With them on his back. And he drowns them. And he eats them.


HANNAH         Oh.

He jumps forward. Blackout.


WARNING: I did almost no research on this one; that’s what happens if you write a play in a day – research and drafting fall by the way-side. But I think the idea holds true, even if the details are sketchy.

Also – swears


KELLY, white, early 40s, is clearing up her breakfast in a family kitchen.

KELLY               Laura! You’ll be late for netball!

SIMON, a black man in his early 40s comes in, sifting post. Sits. Pours himself some sugary cereal and munches as he sifts. 

KELLY               Anything exciting?

SIMON            Bil, bill, circular, pizza menu, bill – ooh!

KELLY               ‘Ooh?’

SIMON            It’s come!

KELLY               What’s has?

SIMON            Our future! The deepest secrets hidden in our lives!

KELLY               Sounds awful. What are you talking about?

SIMON            You remember last month when I got you to do those mouth swabs?

KELLY               Yes?

SIMON            Well the results are in! The secrets of our DNA!

KELLY               Simon, darling, this will come as a shocking surprise to you but I wasn’t really listening when we did the swabs – I just went along with it to shut you up.

SIMON            I’d never have guessed!

KELLY               So, do you want to take it from the top?

SIMON            From the saliva sample I sent they can analyse your genetic make up – they map your whole genome and run it against they’re database and they tell you things about yourself.

KELLY               Such as?

SIMON            Well. . . gene 7912 mine says that genetically my heart is likely to be strong. I have 2413 a slight tendency towards weight gain.

Kelly reaches over the table and slides his cereal bowl away from him.

                        Ha, ha. (Pause) Oh. Oh no.

KELLY               What?

SIMON            Oh God.

KELLY               What?!

SIMON            Oh my –

KELLY               WHAT IS IT YOU ARSE?!

SIMON            5028. I have a mild intolerance for coffee. I think my life is over.

KELLY              Mild intolerance versus never being awake? Tough call!

SIMON            I will find a way to soldier on.

KELLY               Alright, then Professor, let’s see mine.

SIMON            Well, it says here that genetically you are beautiful but very annoying.

KELLY snatches it from him.

KELLY               7823. Relatively tall. Nailed it. 3103 slight hypertension – (Pushes her own coffee away from her.) 5067 green eyes. You paid how much for this?

SIMON            Doesn’t it say ‘green eyes, exceptionally beautiful.’

KELLY               Creep. Well, according to this I am genetically average in every conceivable way. How dull.

SIMON            Not to me you’re not!

KELLY               Thank you!

SIMON            You are definitely never dull.

She thumps him playfully.

Let’s see what Laura’s says.

KELLY               You did Laura?

SIMON            Yes.

KELLY               Without asking her?

SIMON            Well, she said yes to a swab.

KELLY               But did you explain what it was for?

SIMON            No, wanted it to be a surprise.

KELLY               Shouldn’t we wait till she comes down.

SIMON            C’mon, just a peak. Don’t you want scientific confirmation that our daughter is extraordinary?

KELLY               I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that.

SIMON            C’mon. Let’s have a look!

KELLY               Alright, fine – get on with it.

SIMON            7823 – relatively tall.

KELLY               Boom! That’s down to me.

SIMON            5067 – green eyes.

KELLY               Double boom! Told you she took after me. Mama’s got strong genes.

SIMON            Oh god, this is a long one. 8291. ‘The protein encoded by this gene belongs to the ferlin family and is a skeletal muscle protein found associated with the sarcolemma. It is involved in muscle contraction and contains C2 domains that play a role in calcium-mediated membrane fusion events, suggesting that it may be involved in membrane regeneration and repair. In addition, the protein encoded by this gene binds caveolin-3, a skeletal muscle membrane protein which is important in the formation of caveolae. Specific mutations in this gene have been shown to cause autosomal recessive limb girdle muscular dystrophy type 2B.’

KELLY               What the fuck?

SIMON            Erm. . .

KELLY               No, seriously, what the fuck does that mean?

SIMON            Mutation in 8291 causes autosomal recessive limb girdle muscular dystrophy type 2B.


KELLY               What the fuck is that!

SIMON            Hang on! (Rifles through the papers.) Here it is! Limb-girdle muscular dystrophy, type 2B is one of many forms of limb-girdle muscular dystrophy, a group of disorders that affect the voluntary muscles of the hips and shoulders. LGMD2B is characterized by early weakness and wasting (atrophy) of the pelvic and shoulder girdle muscles in adolescence or young adulthood. The age of onset typically ranges from 15 to 35 years, and legs are usually affected first. Symptoms include the inability to tiptoe and difficulty walking and running.  Cardiac (heart) and respiratory involvement is uncommon. It is usually slowly progressive, with need of a wheelchair 10 to 20 years after onset.


LAURA, mixed-race, 15, bounds on in her netball costume.

LAURA             Come on mum! We’ll be late!

Kisses Simon.

                        See you later Dad!

Grabs the car keys from a hook on the wall.

                        C’mon mum, I’ll be in the car!

She heads out. Kelly and Simon sit, unmoving.


Now that we’re at the end I can unpack some of my thinking on this – reading it back I wondered if it was ableist, making the diagnosis of a condition into a tragedy. The day nine year-old me became diabetic felt like a tragedy. But to 40 year old me it’s more of a constant low-level irritation. Although I’d definitely not swap my diabetes for the condition here, I am very sure that there are people with Limb-girdle muscular dystrophy, type 2B who are living full and happy lives and making a difference in the world. I’m sure there are others with the condition who feel they could be living full and happy lives if society offered them better support. In short, I think the snap-shot here is true – a diagnosis like this feels like a bereavement, a loss which must be mourned. But it would be interesting to revisit our three characters over the following years and see if that feeling evolves into something else.

Boundary Issues

KIMMY is sitting on a JESSICA’s bed in student digs. JESS has put some effort into making her room feel at home – there’s study books but also posters, cushions, cuddly toys, maybe a pot plant. KIMMY is painting her nails.

JESS comes in, obviously having had a bad day, throws her bag down on the desk (which is line of sight from the door), then turns with a sigh – sees Kimmy, and jumps.

JESS:                Agh!

KIMMY:           Hey Jessie! Good day?

JESS:                You startled me!

KIMMY:           I came in to borrow your nail polish. That’s okay, right?

JESS:                Oh. That’s why I keep running out. Beat. Is that my t-shirt?

KIMMY:           Yeah, my stuff’s in the wash. Figured you wouldn’t mind.

JESS:                Right.

KIMMY:           So how was the meeting today?

JESS:                Yeah, the Prof was riding me a bit. About the last essay being late and all. Like, it’s fine, it’s just a bit. . . you know.

KIMMY:           Yeah. He’s a cock.

JESS:                I guess. I think it’s more about me getting my shit together.

KIMMY:           I suppose. But there’s no need for him to be mean about it.

JESS:                Yeah.


JESS:                I saw the groups for the practical module were up.

KIMMY:           Cool huh?

JESS:                Us being in a group together?

KIMMY:           Yeah!

JESS:                The other were saying that they were asked who they wanted to be in groups with.

KIMMY:           Yeah, it was that day you were all full of lurgy. So I signed us up together. Didn’t want to disturb you.

JESS:                Right.


KIMMY:           What are we doing tonight then?

JESS:                Beat. Well, I’ve been invited to a party.

KIMMY:           Oooh! Where is it?

JESS:                Over in Goldeney.

KIMMY:           Oooh – Goldeney. What should I wear?

JESS:                Huh?

KIMMY:           I mean all my stuff is in the wash. Ooh – can I borrow your red dress.

JESS:                I’m wearing my red dress.

KIMMY:           That’s fine. I like your blue one too. What time Is it?

JESS:                Err, sorry, Kim, like, I’m going to the party, not ‘we are going to the party.’

KIMMY:           Beat. Sorry?

JESS:                Mark asked me. To go. With him. Me and Mark.

KIMMY:           Oh. Beat. Oh. Beat. Well, that’s fine. I’ll come with you and then just hang out till your done.

JESS:                I don’t think that’s going to work Kimmy. I’m going to be with Mark the whole time.

KIMMY:           Well I’m sure you won’t be with him the whole time, you’ll need someone to hang with when he’s talking to his friends.

JESS:                I’m not sure he’s planning on talking with his friends.

KIMMY:           Yeah, that’s what boys are like. You’ll need me. I’ll be your wing woman.

JESS:                Errr, or you could find something else to do?

KIMMY:           Like what?

JESS:                You could go down the union.

KIMMY:           Nah, don’t like it.

JESS:                Or Watershed, I heard some of the gang from the department are heading down there.

KIMMY:           Nah, don’t like them.

JESS:                Or you could catch up on Netflix.

KIMMY:           Nah, it’s not as good without you. I’d sooner come with you. It will be cool.

JESS:                Look, err Kimmy. . .

Kimmy does pleading eyes.

JESS:                Err, okay, but don’t get all moody when I’m spending time with Mark.

KIMMY:           That’s okay. I’m sure you wouldn’t abandon me completely.


JESS:                Right, better go shower.

KIMMY:           Oh and Jess!

JESS:                Huh?

KIMMY:           You should wear your blue dress. Brings out your eyes.

JESS:                Okay.

JESS leaves for the shower.

KIMMY:           Painting her nails. And then I can wear your red one.







Moving Lights

I will be honest, of all of these plays, I really want to stage this one. Please someone commission me to do it!


The stage is lit. It is empty apart from five moving lights which are fixed to the floor in semi-circle with the open-end to the audience. The lights are referred to here as 1 – 5, with 1 being SR and 5 being SL. There is just enough haze to make the beams of the movers clear when lit.

As the piece starts the house lights slowly fade out and the light on stage goes to a low level (so we can still make out each moving light.) 

The moving lights suddenly snap into sharp angles.

Europe’s The Final Countdown starts. Loud.

During the lead-in the lights turn on, narrow focus and make slow, graceful arcs with their tight beams of white light, across the space. Then when the guitar kicks-in they make bolder direct beams, snapping on and off. This goes on long enough (probably about the time the lyrics start) for us to be impressed and to get the gist of the light-show.

Gradually it becomes apparent that 1 has started to lag behind the others.

This becomes more and more noticeable; the others keep doing the precise and energetic light show until stated otherwise.

1 starts to drift down towards SR, tries to lift up to join the others, but slowly drifts down again.

Finally 1 settles with its beam on 5.

1’s beam softens and slowly turns pink.

1’s beam starts to gently pulse, like a heart beat, slower than the beat of the music.

5’s beam starts to flick down, as if distracted, then tries to keep up with the beat. This happens twice. 

5’s beam finally comes down all the way to focus, open white on 1.

Slowly 2 – 4’s lights also come down and focus on 1. The music stops

1’s suddenly goes to white and scans across 2 – 4. It then snaps up.

2 and 4 drift back up to position.

3’s light, looks at 1, then sharply at 5, then back at 1, it narrows and brightens. Then it snaps become up. The music comes back on.

As before, 1 is in time, then falls out, and quite quickly returns to bouncing a pink late off 5.

5 realises and shines back at him.

3 stops and snaps at 1. The music stops. 2 and 4 come down too and look at 1, then back at 5.

5’s beam on 1 slowly narrows, becomes pink, then starts to pulse with the same beat.

3’s beam widens and goes blood red.

2 and 4 look at 1, then at 3, then slowly look up and meander around the space.

1 starts to move his pulsing pink light over 5.

5 shudders.

5 starts to move her pulsing pink light over 1.

3 looks between them sharply, and becomes an even deeper red.

1 and 5 continue to run their lights over each other. 

3 starts to flick back and forward between them, then starts to vibrate.

Smoke starts to come out of 3.

A pyro behind 3 goes off sending sparks everywhere and 3’s light goes out.

1 and 5’s pink lights grow brighter and start to move off each other to dance together in the space, occasionally the beams caress each other.

2 and 4, still white, accompany as backing dancers.

Debussy’s Claire de Lune plays.

As the music swells 2 and 4 peel off and fade to black.

1 and 5 return to each other, wide pink, pulsing.

Their beams narrow.

The pulse slows.

Their light fades. 






Notification of Death

I actually did some research for this one, in that I read a pamphlet on how to break the news that someone’s loved one has died. It’s a thing I sometimes think about – would I be able to do it? How would I feel receiving the news? We talk about each moment being previous but this is a tangible moment where you measure your life before it, and your life after it, where everything is different. Anyway, this play isn’t about that, really, but that’s where it started in my head.


Notification of Death

The ground floor of a house. The front door is visible SR and it goes straight into an open lounge area – there’s a flight of stairs going up centre stage and then the door to the kitchen SL. The flat is clean and relatively tidy with a few signs of personality; a pink lace cushion, a shelf with Forever Friend ceramic bears on it, etc.

SARAH is passed out on the couch. She is wearing smart business clothes.

The door bell rings. SARAH doesn’t move.

The door bell rings. SARAH suddenly grunts and sits up. She’s bewildered.

The door bell rings again. SARAH realises it’s the door and unsteadily walks towards it.

The door bell rings again. She fumbles the keys, which are on a hook by the door, and then finally manages to open it.

On the other side are AISHA, and TIM, police officers in full uniform.

SARAH is suddenly rigid and wide awake.

AISHA: Hello. Are you Sarah Bolam?


AISHA: Mrs Bolam, may we come in?

ADREA: No. . . What. . . Why?

TIM: Mrs Bolam. I’m Officer Timothy Kent, and this is Officer Aisha Kazi. We need to speak to you. May we come in please?

SARAH stares at TIM then nods and walks away from the door, leaving it open.

AISHA: Thank you Mrs Bolam.

They enter, Aisha shutting the door behind them. They both look around the room as they come into the centre.

SARAH stops and turns to look at them.

AISHA: May we sit?

SARAH nods. AISHA gestures to the sofa.

AISHA: Here?

SARAH nods. They sit on the sofa; AISHA noticing the vodka bottle as she does so. SARAH stays standing.

AISHA: You should sit too, Mrs Bolam.

SARAH sits straight down on the armchair.

AISHA: I’m afraid we have bad news.

SARAH is unmoving. 

TIM: I am very sorry to tell you that Steven Bolam died a little under two hours ago.

SARAH stares at him.

AISHA: Mrs Bolam – would you like me to call you Mrs Bolam or would you prefer me to call you Sarah?

SARAH stares at TIM, and continues to do so throughout:

AISHA: Mrs Bolam, we would like to tell you what we know at present about your husband’s death. We understand that this may upset or disturb you. Please stop me at any time and feel free to interrupt me if there is anything that we say which you do not understand, dislike, or need repeating. You may take notes if you wish. Would you like to do that?

SARAH stares at TIM

At 5pm your husband left work and was driving back here using the ring road. His car was described as driving at high speed, in a manner consistent with brake failure. We believe that, in attempt not to hit an on-coming lorry, he swerved, lost control of the vehicle and struck a tree to the side of the road. The lorry driver pulled over and phoned for an ambulance. Unfortunately, by the time the ambulance arrived Mr Bolam had already passed away; it appears he suffered a fatal head wound on impact, although that will need to be confirmed by the coroner.

His body has been taken to the York City morgue. Once you have hired undertakers they will be able to collect the body there, as the autopsy should be complete by tomorrow.

Mr Bolam’s car was irrevocably damaged and has been taken away for analysis to identify if a fault was responsible for the incident and then it will be destroyed. We have here the case number of the incident for you to use when contacting the insurance company, and here (she proffers a carrier bag) are the personal effects we removed from the vehicle.

SARAH continues to stare at TIM. AISHA slowly places the bag on the sofa next to her.

TIM: Mrs Bolam. It was an accident. A tragic accident. And no one was to blame for it. We are very sorry for your loss.

AISHA looks at him sharply then looks back at SARAH

AISHA: Do you have any questions, Mrs Bolam?

Beat. SARAH suddenly stands.

SARAH: You must be thirsty. I’ll make you tea.

AISHA: No really, Mrs Bolam there’s no. . .

SARAH turns and walks into the kitchen and closes the door behind her. AISHA immediately turns to TIM.

AISHA: Why did you say that?

TIM: What?

AISHA: About no one being to blame?

TIM: Well, what? Nobody is to blame!

AISHA: That’s not up to us to decide – that’s up to the coroner.

TIM: Yeah, but it wasn’t anybody’s fault. Did you see the look on the poor lorry driver’s face? He’d have caved and told us if he’d been going too fast. The shakes on him.

AISHA: Not our call, Tim, stick to your training!

The sound of a kettle boiling off stage.

I do death notifications all the time. This is your first, right?

TIM: Yeah, and I appreciate you letting me come with.

AISHA: Don’t know why you were so keen.

TIM: Got to start using all that training sometime, right?

Pause. AISHA picks up the bottle of vodka. 

AISHA: There’s something not right here. 

SARAH suddenly comes back in.

SARAH: Biscuits?

AISHA: No, thank you.

TIM: No, no, thank you, Mrs Bolam.

SARAH abruptly turns and leaves.

Tim looks at the bottle.

TIM: So? She likes a drink?

AISHA: At 7:20 on a Tuesday evening?

TIM: Maybe she’s got a problem?

AISHA: That’s what’s weird. Does this look like the house of an alcoholic? Place is spotless.

TIM: Is that what they teach you when you become a family liaison officer? How to snoop into the public’s drinking habits?

SARAH comes back in with a tray which she puts on the coffee table. She is now wearing an apron with a large front pocket. She passes AISHA a tea, and then does the same for TIM. He nurses it. SARAH sits.

AISHA: Did you have any questions for us, Mrs Bolam?

SARAH (Pause. Not looking at Aisha:) Will I have to see the body?

AISHA: No. We were able to identify his body from the photo on his driving license so you won’t have to see Steven’s body until he’s been prepared by the undertakers. Or at all, if you’d prefer not to.

SARAH: I see. (Beat.) Do I need to sign anything?

AISHA: Not today, no. There will be paperwork at the morgue but the undertaker’s should be able to complete those on your behalf.


AISHA: I have this letter for you which details how to contact me if you have any further questions, and details when you can expect to hear from the coroner’s and about the inquest, which of course you are free to attend, but are not required to do so unless we inform you otherwise. I also have this leaflet about grief counselling services in the area.

AISHA offers the paperwork to SARAH who does not move, so she places them on the table. As she does so: 

AISHA: Black tea.

TIM: Sorry?

AISHA: Your tea is black. Mine’s got milk in it.

TIM: Yeah, I like mine black – lactose intolerant, you know that.

AISHA: I know that. But how does she?

SARAH: } He said –

TIM: } She asked me –


TIM: Just now.


AISHA: No she didn’t.


AISHA: Mrs Bolam, do you usually drink vodka at this time?


AISHA: Where you at work today?

SARAH: Yes, you can phone the office if you like.

AISHA: Where is the office?

SARAH: Barretts and Johnson, Gillygate.

AISHA: What time did you finish work?

SARAH: Normal time. 5pm. I try and be strict.

AISHA: So you left work, came straight back here and drank most of this bottle of vodka?

SARAH: (Beat.) It had been a tough day.

TIM: Mrs Bolam, you don’t need to answer these questions, you’re not been accused of anything.

SARAH: (Looking at Tim.) Where did you go for lunch, today, Tim? We didn’t see you in the canteen. In fact, we didn’t see you between dropping off that shoplifter at Liddl and then you turned up at the car crash. You got there very quickly too. Almost like you knew it would happen. And the hour or so when I didn’t see you would be enough to go Mr Bolam’s place of work and cut his brake cables, wouldn’t they?

SARAH starts to reach for her radio. TIM reaches over and takes it off her.

TIM: Look Aisha, me and Sarah love each other. We’ve been together for years now but Steven wouldn’t give her a divorce, so –

AISHA: Timothy Kent, you are under arrest. You do not have to say anything. But, it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

SARAH takes out a large kitchen knife from her apron and lunges at AISHA’s back.